Dear Darling Children: Learn to Cook

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Dear Darling Children,

Hello.

Today you woke me up at 5:45 am and asked me to make you cinnamon toast.  I said no and you started sobbing uncontrollably, not so much because of the toast situation but because YOU REFUSE TO SLEEP UNTIL A NORMAL HOUR AND ARE EXHAUSTED SO YOU CRY ABOUT EVERYTHING!

Stop it.

Stop waking me up and immediately asking me to make you GOURMET MEALS!

You ran back to your room, slamming your door in righteous anger and waking up your sister in the process.  Thus, my day started off badly and I was unable to get myself out of the darkest of places and into a mood appropriate for the promised park excursion.

So we didn’t go to the park.  Partly because of my mood, partly because it started storming and I didn’t want to ruin my shoes or risk either of you getting pneumonia. Instead we went to Target to get cleaning products.

I let you con me into getting the humongous cart you deem “super fun” so you and your sister could sit next to one another.

Mistake.

While your sister hit you in your left eye repeatedly for no reason other than the fact that she is an angry little toddler, I stared longingly at the Starbucks conveniently located at the front entrance of Target, wishing that it was instead a wine bar with an attached daycare.

Everyone left Target frustrated and a little twitchy.

All of this could have been avoided if you only knew how to cook for yourself.  Unfortunately, at 4 years old you are a little bit on the short side and your common sense skills haven’t quite kicked in yet, which would make figuring out the proper sugar to cinnamon ratio a bit difficult.

One day you’ll learn.  Hopefully soon.  Or perhaps you’ll learn to like cereal.

My advice to you today, Darling Children, that will help you in your future life, is…

 ***LEARN TO COOK ***

*Have at least one meal you do well.  This is all you need and is more than enough to fool a potential life partner into thinking you’re far more talented in the kitchen than you really are.  I speak from experience.

…also…

*Always keep fresh fruit in the house.  This not only gives visitors the assumption that you live a healthy lifestyle, it also helps you actually live a healthy lifestyle. If you don’t keep frosting filled chips a’hoy cookies in the house, you can’t eat them.  I tell myself this on a daily basis and have so far been mildly successful at not purchasing those delicious cookies.  There is absolutely no proof that people who live a healthy lifestyle always outlive those that live a grossly unhealthy lifestyle, so still err on the side of caution when dared to sky dive or swim in the ocean. Eating fruit doesn’t make you a superhero, no matter what numerous random marketing ploys may suggest.

…and lastly…

*Don’t eat fruit chews or gummy candies.  These will kill you.

I did eventually make you cinnamon toast.  I’m not a total monster.  At first there was instantaneous regret when the sugar seeped into your brain and turned you into a psychotic hyped up crazy person.  Then you ran up to me with wild hair and socks on your hands in the middle of your sugar & cinnamon induced puppet show and sweetly said…

“Thumbs up for stinky socks, Mother.  Thanks for the cinnamon toast, and MAYBE you should buy me some gloves or puppets so I don’t have to wear old stinky socks on my hands anymore…”

…why does my heart just melt with you?

At what age will cuteness no longer be a factor in how long I remain irritated?

I hope the age is 97, but common sense tells me it’s probably going to be 12 or 13.

Such is life.

Learn to cook. It will make you a more accomplished person and of great use to me when I’m old & feeble and can no longer drive myself to McDonalds.

I love you, my little darlings.

Mother

 

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