The Intensely Named Custom Lego Minifigures For Dad’s Birthday

 

 

 

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After deciding that he wanted to make his father custom mini-figures for his birthday present, 5 year old Harrison put together somewhat normal looking figures…with intense back stories…

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Me: So…what’s this guy’s story?

Harrison:  He’s a warrior…and he uses a bow and arrow that was his brother’s because his brother got kidnapped.  He wears his hair like his kidnapped brother now because he misses him and has been searching for him for YEARS but the bad guys have him hidden.  So his name is, “Warrior Guy Who Got His Brother Stolen And Now He’s Looking For Him And He Uses His Bow”.

Me: Nice.

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Me: Why doesn’t this guy have arms?

Harrison:  He isn’t a guy, he’s Slimer from the Ghostbusters movie. He has the cat because he eats cats because he hates them. Only he doesn’t eat the cat like WE would eat the cat (side note: we don’t eat cats in this family) he just kind of gobbles him up in all the slime.  So his name is, “Slimer From The Ghostbusters Movie Who Eats Cats Because He Hates Them”.

Me: (a little creeped out by the cat bit)…okay…I guess I can see that…

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Me: This guy?

Harrison: MOM!   He’s a scientist…and when he isn’t doing experiments he dresses up like Darth Vader.

Me: Hm. He’s for sure my favorite.  So…is his name, like, “The Scientist Who Cosplays As Darth Vader In His Downtime”?

Harrison: Mom. Stop. He’s just a scientist!

Me:…um…who cosplays as Darth Vader on the down low, so we’re using my name.  Next, son.

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Me: Who’s this guy with the shirt and the cuffs?

Harrison:  “Rockstar Dancer Who Got Arrested For Dancing Too Much”.

Me:…where was he dancing…?

Harrison: What?

Me: Nothing.

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Me:  So…a king?

Harrison:  Yeah.  “King Guy”.

Me:  Really?  That’s it? “King Guy”?

Harrison:  MOM!  Geez.  Fine. “King Guy Who Wears A Big Crown And Can’t See Good Because The Crown Is In His Eyes And He Sometimes Falls On His Sword”.

Me:  Better.

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Me:  Ninja?

Harrison: A SAMURAI, not a NINJA.

Me: He’s holding a club…

Harrison:  THAT’S because he got his sword stolen when bad guys came and killed his father, so he uses a club like a caveman until he can kill all the bad guys and get his sword back.

Me: Intense.  So…is HIS name, “Vengeful Samurai Who Uses A Club Because His Sword Was Stolen By Evil Father Killers”?

Harrison:  I guess.  Can I have fruit chews now?

Me:  Sure, kid.

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Happy Birthday, Dad.  

Love,

Your Highly Imaginative & Creative Son

It Was Time For a Puppy

IMG_5224Dear Darling Children,

In honor of National Dog Day I’m going to share the story of how Gaston Alexander Frazier came to be part of our family.

It was a warm, drizzly Sunday.  The night before I had far too much wine because both of you had been screaming, hitting and spilling your juice all over the house.  After your father put you to bed and I was sufficiently intoxicated I started sobbing about how much I missed my sweet dog, Alexander, who had passed away just a month or so before.

“I miss him. I also miss the unconditional LOVE he gave me.  These kids hate me today, they hate me because I won’t let them have 20 bags of fruit chews or watch Caillou.”

I whispered this, my voice cracking, huge teardrops running down my face.

Your father stared at me, at his absolutely stunning and wonderful wife who could do no wrong and was HIS REASON FOR LIVING and he made a decision.

If his perfect wife wanted a dog, she would get a dog.

Cue the warm & drizzly Sunday.

After we undid the hog ties we had to use to get you both into appropriate non-pajama clothing, we all climbed into the car to “visit” the pet shop.  You yelled at each other the entire ride, angry because you had wanted to go to McDonalds but I had said no since neither of you would quit picking your noses or making gagging sounds.

I ignored you both, anxious to see what kind of puppies the shop had.

Your father picked up a mini dachshund immediately.  I wasn’t sold and kept pushing a slightly older light brown puppy in your father’s face, making it speak in a British accent about tea and whatnot.

You both lasted about 10 minutes before imploding, bored, making robot noises and dancing around like a college student on crack.  I put the dog back in his cage and walked out, tears already forming in my eyes.

“They don’t even want a dog. I’m the only one who cares.  How can they not care?  It’s a PUPPY!  A FREAKING PUPPY!!!!  WHO DOESN’T WANT A PUPPY?”

I sobbed this to your father, hysterical once we got to the car.

“You’re right.”

Your father said this calmly, taking my delicate bird hands in his strong ones and gazing at me with his piercing blue eyes that see right into my soul.

“They don’t care.  I don’t care, either.  You’re the one who cares, and that’s all that matters.  So go inside and find yourself a dog.  Find YOUR dog and we will all love it because YOU love it.  This isn’t for the family.  This is for you, my perfect, beautiful wife who I love more than the moon and the stars even though you don’t cook and typically leave the laundry on the couch until I finally fold it while you’re taking a 2 hour bath.”

I’m paraphrasing, but some of that is what he said.  So I listened to him and while he took you little monsters to get some food I went back into the pet shop.

Upon my re-entry I caught sight of something bouncing wildly to my left.  Turning, I spotted a black ball of fur, peppered with tiny spots.  Was it a dalmatian/dachshund/chihuahua hybrid, a brand new designer dog?

No.  It was a mini dachshund.  THE SAME MINI DACHSHUND YOUR FATHER HAD BEEN PLAYING WITH JUST MINUTES BEFORE!

He recognized me when I came back in.  He KNEW we were meant to be!

I picked him up and carried him to the puppy play area, sure that he would do something to make or break the huge decision that was upon me.

I sat down.

He immediately crawled onto my lap and fell asleep, snoring like a drunk, overweight old man.

I realized that I was exhausted, too.

We were perfect for one another

$105,985 later I walked out of that puppy shop, rounded the corner and saw your father leaning up against the car.  He looked at me.  I looked at him and immediately started sobbing.

“I love him.  I love him.”

Your father smiled knowingly.  He had been eyeing a $400 Lego set.  No way would I try to block that purchase NOW!

Just kidding.

He smiled LOVINGLY and said, “Anything to make you happy.”

Anything.

I love him.

…and my new puppy.

Happy National Dog Day, Darling Children.

The End.

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They Should Just Build a Garden

 

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Yesterday, after turning up his nose for the umpteenth time at a wonderful dinner because it wasn’t a corn dog,  my son said he was starving.  In justifiable anger I whipped out my cell phone and brought up pictures of starving children, telling him to look at them.  To look at their ribs, their bones, their faces and that THEY were starving.  That is what starving looks like, I said, and for you to say that YOU are starving…YOU, who just ate a corn muffin and 3 brownies even though you didn’t eat your entire meal…for you to say that is insulting to the people who are actually starving.  So don’t say it.

This opened up a whole conversation on world starvation and why it exists and hearing such simple ideas from a 5 year old was…heartbreaking.

“Why don’t they just build a garden and plant orange trees?”

We weren’t sure, but figured it had something to do with the location and proximity to water.

“Why don’t they just borrow some money and buy some food from their parents?”

Because their parents are starving, too.

“We can give them food and money. They can have my dinner since I don’t like it.”

It just isn’t that simple. I don’t now why it isn’t that simple.  It should be that simple.

I don’t know why the planting a garden idea has stuck in my head.  Something so theoretically easy, obviously someone has thought of it.  Someone must have tried it.

Sometimes my darling 5 year old says things so heartbreakingly simple and my hope for a better future doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

Everything Isn’t Terrible (as Long as You Stay Away From the News)

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5:00 AM wake up.

The storm outside provides the calming sense that my children will sleep in later than usual. They both sleep more soundly when the weather is terrible. Strange.

I get coffee.

I check Yahoo.com for the news, wondering if any new horrific events happened while I slept. The top story is about how the Russian passenger plane crash that killed 224 people in Egypt last month was caused by a homemade explosive device and Putin is vowing revenge on terrorists. I wonder briefly how it was possible that I wasn’t more informed of this huge plane crash that killed so many people. I decide it must be because nobody had taken cell phone pictures and tweeted about it with the right hashtag. Or maybe it was because the people who died were all Russian and I’m American so…it doesn’t pertain to me?

Does it?

Or maybe I’m just a self involved person who doesn’t read the news enough.

Right next to it is the story that will surely be at the top within a few hours: Charlie Sheen allegedly has HIV and will be announcing it on the Today show.

I allow myself to feel sad for humanity for 5 seconds and then move on.

I decide to follow a few more people on Twitter, not really reading anything because Twitter bores me but I like the little rush of the “ding” when I get a notification.

I check out Instagram and covet the new jacket Stitch Fix has posted even though I know it won’t look nearly as cute on me. I also don’t need a jacket but don’t really have a problem buying one because my husband makes a great salary and shopping gives me a temporary high.

I get more coffee.

I move on to Facebook. I decide to scroll through my feed to see how many people have the “We Support Paris” stuff as their profile pictures.

A lot. There is a lot of support for Paris.

I scroll past an article someone posted that includes pictures of dead people from the massacre. I wonder how those pictures are allowed to be public. I remember when I watched the Nicholas Berg beheading online. That was over 10 years ago. It still haunts me.

I read an article someone posted informing the world that the article about the 10,000 Syrian refuges arriving in New Orleans and all of them being men is false, that only 7 people (2 families from Syria) have been settled in New Orleans. I wonder if THAT article is true. I wonder if anything I read is true. I feel grateful that I didn’t talk too much about the 10,000 refugees arriving in New Orleans even though the timing of it all seemed terrifying.

I start scrolling again and see that 17 people have a variation of the, “It’s Christmastime and Christians are stupid because Mary and Joseph were refugees and needed a place to stay and now the Christians are wanting to turn away the Syrian refugees who need help” posts.

I notice that a few atheist friends are pretty happy that their states don’t want the refugees. They probably have a better reason for not wanting the refugees, though. A smarter reason than the Christian folk. Surely.

I wonder if people would feel differently if, instead of Mary and Joseph being turned away because they were poor and different, the bible story went, “…and the inn keepers kept turning them away because just a few days earlier reports of men using their pregnant wives as a sympathy ploy to gain access to inns in order to murder the owner and take over the business surfaced and the innkeepers had to make the decision to err on the side of caution in order to protect their own families…”

Fear is a funny thing. Or not funny, depending on the situation.

I decide to unfollow people.

I start feeling depressed as it starts raining harder.

I subscribe to a new subscription box. Makeup.

I hear children crying. I check on mine but they’re still asleep. I start thinking about ghosts. I start thinking about how it is entirely possible that I’ve somehow stepped into another dimension and their reality is melding with my reality and I’m going to be hearing children crying forever and I’ll be unable to do anything to help them.

I feel silly for thinking that.

…but not really, because who knows?

I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel helpless.

So much is wrong in the world, so many people are in need. So many people need protection. The horrible things just keep coming and are peppered with things like Charlie Sheen having HIV or Lamar Odom drinking himself into a coma and I feel terrified for our world.

But also paralyzed. Paralyzed in the midst of excessive horror and so I do nothing. Because I just don’t know where to start.

My son runs into my room, crashing into my bed, still half asleep because he doesn’t understand that it’s ok to just stay in bed a few minutes until you’re completely awake. He climbs up next to me and snuggles under the covers, under my arm, completely uncaring about the fact that I’m trying to type on the computer.

Because he knows that nothing is more important than he is.

He knows I would easily cast aside 10,000 or more people I don’t know to keep him safe.

“Mommy…Mommy…Mom…”

“One second.”

Big sigh.

“MOMMY! I don’t have patience!

At 6:24 AM I get more coffee.

I make pancakes.

I brush my hair.

I put on makeup.

I pack my son’s lunch.

He gets upset when I put a banana in his lunchbox even though he begged me for bananas just two days ago. I get upset with him and tell him about children who would kill for a banana and he looks confused because he is only 4 and shouldn’t have to think about starving children.

He’s right. Kind of.

None of us should have to think about starving children. There shouldn’t be any children who are starving in this world.

I decide to unplug from social media for the day and vow to do things that will make the world a little brighter for tomorrow.

***published 11/17/2015 via my http://www.ragsrestyled.com blog originally but reposted here because that blog has moved in a different direction.

Dear Darling Children: Barbie is FINE…

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Dear Darling Children,

It is perfectly acceptable to like Barbie.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

It has been my experience that those who dislike Barbie don’t read fine print or understand the world.  They complain about toys and how they’re messing with our babies minds because they don’t realize that the real problem for our children involves the ozone, social security and possibly the fallout from a potential Donald Trump presidency (but who really knows, what a wild card, politics has never been so entertaining, BREAK OUT THE POPCORN!).

If someone tells you they hate Barbie because she gives people unrealistic expectations of what a woman should look like, just slap the donut out of that person’s hand and let them know that Superheroes & My Little Pony are FAR more unrealistic.

Mention how they shouldn’t let toys dictate their self worth.

It’s a DOLL!

Scream that in their face.

“A DOLL! IT’S JUST A DOLL!”

After your fit, if they haven’t run away from you yet and you care at all about salvaging the friendship, try to fester out the underlying problem.

Then go save the world, one real problem at a time.

Kisses,

Mother

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Donated: No…I Haven’t Seen That Toy…

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Has anyone else ever gone so completely mad at the mess the kids make that you just do a sweep through the house with a garbage bag and donate a bunch of stuff you know they won’t miss and then when your husband comes home and asks if you’ve seen a black Lego piece that’s missing from HIS Lego modular thing you lie and say you have no clue what he’s talking about even though you remember seeing that black Lego piece and being all, “What the heck is this stupid Lego piece doing in the middle of floor, DONATE IT”?

…I  know there is no way I’m alone on this…

Squad Goals are the New Goals

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Feeling lonely since we moved to Florida.  Came across this picture of my kids with a few of their old pals and almost cried.

There was fighting on this day.  Block throwing, lightsaber hitting, non-sharing and tears were involved.  But love overcame it all and at the end of the play date nobody wanted to leave (except the mothers, of course, since it was nap time).

I’ve learned that the mark of a true Mommy friend is when your kid does something awful to another kid and the mother just looks at you like, “Is it time for a carafe of wine yet?”

New goal (instead of unpacking, getting the house together, building up my wardrobe) is to make at least 1 new friend a week, whether it be for me, the kids or my husband.

Gotta build up that village.

#squadgoals