The Intensely Named Custom Lego Minifigures For Dad’s Birthday

 

 

 

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After deciding that he wanted to make his father custom mini-figures for his birthday present, 5 year old Harrison put together somewhat normal looking figures…with intense back stories…

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Me: So…what’s this guy’s story?

Harrison:  He’s a warrior…and he uses a bow and arrow that was his brother’s because his brother got kidnapped.  He wears his hair like his kidnapped brother now because he misses him and has been searching for him for YEARS but the bad guys have him hidden.  So his name is, “Warrior Guy Who Got His Brother Stolen And Now He’s Looking For Him And He Uses His Bow”.

Me: Nice.

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Me: Why doesn’t this guy have arms?

Harrison:  He isn’t a guy, he’s Slimer from the Ghostbusters movie. He has the cat because he eats cats because he hates them. Only he doesn’t eat the cat like WE would eat the cat (side note: we don’t eat cats in this family) he just kind of gobbles him up in all the slime.  So his name is, “Slimer From The Ghostbusters Movie Who Eats Cats Because He Hates Them”.

Me: (a little creeped out by the cat bit)…okay…I guess I can see that…

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Me: This guy?

Harrison: MOM!   He’s a scientist…and when he isn’t doing experiments he dresses up like Darth Vader.

Me: Hm. He’s for sure my favorite.  So…is his name, like, “The Scientist Who Cosplays As Darth Vader In His Downtime”?

Harrison: Mom. Stop. He’s just a scientist!

Me:…um…who cosplays as Darth Vader on the down low, so we’re using my name.  Next, son.

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Me: Who’s this guy with the shirt and the cuffs?

Harrison:  “Rockstar Dancer Who Got Arrested For Dancing Too Much”.

Me:…where was he dancing…?

Harrison: What?

Me: Nothing.

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Me:  So…a king?

Harrison:  Yeah.  “King Guy”.

Me:  Really?  That’s it? “King Guy”?

Harrison:  MOM!  Geez.  Fine. “King Guy Who Wears A Big Crown And Can’t See Good Because The Crown Is In His Eyes And He Sometimes Falls On His Sword”.

Me:  Better.

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Me:  Ninja?

Harrison: A SAMURAI, not a NINJA.

Me: He’s holding a club…

Harrison:  THAT’S because he got his sword stolen when bad guys came and killed his father, so he uses a club like a caveman until he can kill all the bad guys and get his sword back.

Me: Intense.  So…is HIS name, “Vengeful Samurai Who Uses A Club Because His Sword Was Stolen By Evil Father Killers”?

Harrison:  I guess.  Can I have fruit chews now?

Me:  Sure, kid.

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Happy Birthday, Dad.  

Love,

Your Highly Imaginative & Creative Son

They Should Just Build a Garden

 

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Yesterday, after turning up his nose for the umpteenth time at a wonderful dinner because it wasn’t a corn dog,  my son said he was starving.  In justifiable anger I whipped out my cell phone and brought up pictures of starving children, telling him to look at them.  To look at their ribs, their bones, their faces and that THEY were starving.  That is what starving looks like, I said, and for you to say that YOU are starving…YOU, who just ate a corn muffin and 3 brownies even though you didn’t eat your entire meal…for you to say that is insulting to the people who are actually starving.  So don’t say it.

This opened up a whole conversation on world starvation and why it exists and hearing such simple ideas from a 5 year old was…heartbreaking.

“Why don’t they just build a garden and plant orange trees?”

We weren’t sure, but figured it had something to do with the location and proximity to water.

“Why don’t they just borrow some money and buy some food from their parents?”

Because their parents are starving, too.

“We can give them food and money. They can have my dinner since I don’t like it.”

It just isn’t that simple. I don’t now why it isn’t that simple.  It should be that simple.

I don’t know why the planting a garden idea has stuck in my head.  Something so theoretically easy, obviously someone has thought of it.  Someone must have tried it.

Sometimes my darling 5 year old says things so heartbreakingly simple and my hope for a better future doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

Donated: No…I Haven’t Seen That Toy…

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Has anyone else ever gone so completely mad at the mess the kids make that you just do a sweep through the house with a garbage bag and donate a bunch of stuff you know they won’t miss and then when your husband comes home and asks if you’ve seen a black Lego piece that’s missing from HIS Lego modular thing you lie and say you have no clue what he’s talking about even though you remember seeing that black Lego piece and being all, “What the heck is this stupid Lego piece doing in the middle of floor, DONATE IT”?

…I  know there is no way I’m alone on this…

There Are Those Days

IMG_0921There are days that I cringe when I hear you running toward my room.  I curl up under the covers, pretend to be sleeping and pray that you decide to make TODAY the day that you learn to play by yourself.

On these days I am sulky and mean.  I yell at you for not moving your little legs to the table fast enough. I yell at you: Eat your waffles, I’m not a maid, you must drink milk/water/juice, stop asking so many questions, I can’t stand the dog, you’ll wake your sister, you can’t watch the iPad, you have to wear pants, you peed on the toilet, stop asking so many questions, I told you the answer already, we’re going to be late, I just need coffee, I don’t have chocolate, you can’t have chocolate for breakfast anyway, stop asking so many questions, don’t ask why…

I yell and yell and yell and yell because…

Because sometimes, my darling little child, sometimes when you’re a stay at home parent you feel like nobody ever hears you.  Nobody is listening or understanding. You can manage this feeling for a bit, for days or for weeks but then one day…one dark day when the child who you love more than life itself asks you for the 1000th time if he has to brush his teeth…

…on that day you’ll completely lose your mind.  You’ll wonder if you’ve gone insane, if anyone can actually hear you.  DOES your voice work? You’ll feel useless because if you can’t even teach your child that he has to brush his teeth every morning you MUST BE FAILING and soon his teeth will fall out and the dentist will judge you.  You’ll start looking for a desk job because at least at a desk job you’ll have more control over the results.

You’ll cry.

I cry.

Because parenting is the most rewarding but stressful thing I have ever done in my entire life and the guilt at not being constantly & overwhelmingly grateful is crushing.

Then you, my slow walking, darling little child…you slowly walk up and sit next to me, knowing that I’m overwhelmed.  I feel guilt that my almost 5 year old knows what the word overwhelmed means.  You hold my hand.

You tell me you’re sorry for asking about brushing your teeth again.

I tell you I’m sorry for yelling.

The clock tells us both it has been 10 minutes since all of this began and now it has already ended.

We acknowledge that it was a rough start to the day and vow to get McDonald’s for lunch.

High five.

…and I vow to be a better, kinder, more patient mother tomorrow…

 

 

 

Superheroes & Pirates & That Guy

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Harrison: When I grow up and am finally a REAL superhero…

Me: Wait, when you GROW UP?  I THOUGHT you were a real superhero now.

Harrison: (annoyed) Well…yeah, I mean, I AM but I still want to be one when I get older.  I don’t want to be a pirate or like…(cue about 10 solid seconds of him trying to remember who he doesn’t want to be like)…that guy, you know, THAT guy.  You know. You KNOW. That guy.

Me: …Hm. Yeah. I hear ya.

…really, pal, NOBODY wants to be THAT GUY.

 

 

Dear Darling Children: Don’t Swim in the Ocean

IMG_8227Dear Darling Children,

You have asked me 7 times now since we moved to Florida if we could go to the beach.  I fear you are too young for me to give you the true answer as to why I don’t enjoy going, but I feel comfortable writing the reasons here since by the time you’re able to figure out how to navigate the internet you’ll be at least…7…8…when are children learning how to navigate the internet these days?

Hm. If you aren’t yet 7 years old, don’t read this post.

One day, about 6 years ago, in response to a question about accompanying me to the beach, a friend of mine said:

“Um…I NEVER swim in the ocean.  Think of all the dead bodies in there from all the shipwrecks and shark attacks and stuff.  Gross.  No way, not gonna do it.”

While her response was a bit tackily phrased, it changed my entire world, not to mention my views on The Discovery Channel.  This was something I had never even thought of before, something so obvious and yet…not.  Because who likes thinking about death?  Obviously not a classy lady like me.  I’m no undertaker or a sullen teenager or a politically crazed voter who so wanted Jeb Bush to be president but now has to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen and posts angrily about it on Twitter with the hashtags “whygodwhy” “movingtocanada” and “byebyeamerica”.

No, Darling Children, I don’t constantly think about death.

But after my friend shared her views on human decomposition in bodies of water, I do think about it whenever I’m near the ocean.

My advice to you today, Darling Children, that will help you in your future lives is:

***Don’t Go in the Ocean***

*Swim in highly chlorinated pools: I realize that horrifying creatures like sharks and alligators do occasionally meander into a random pool, but the chances of you being eaten alive in a pool are still significantly slimmer than if you were swimming in the ocean.  Or a lake.  The chorine will kill off any bacteria that could have otherwise festered itself into an open wound.  While your eyes may burn due to all the chemicals, it will be far less aggravating in the long term than losing a leg to a Great White or accidentally snorting dead fish & human particles up your nose.

…also…

*Always swim with a buddy:  This isn’t something you should only do as a child. I can’t begin to tell you how many people I know who have been seriously injured or killed because they went swimming alone in the ocean.  At least 2, but I’m terrible at keeping in touch with old friends so it could potentially be 500. 95% of the ocean is unexplored territory.  If a mutant alien type shark/care bear hybrid creature rose from the deep spitting tiny puppies at us, we shouldn’t be surprised because NOBODY REALLY KNOWS WHAT IS REALLY DOWN THERE!  Don’t be arrogant and assume you know all there is to know. Swim with a buddy, so when you make the inevitable decision to frolic in the ocean that buddy can come and let me know that you were carried away by pirates and I shouldn’t wait on you for dinner.

…and lastly…

*Don’t ever go skinny dipping: You’ll die. Watch Jaws or any other ocean centric C- or below movie to brush up on the statistics.

Have fun with your life, Darling Children. Live it to the fullest.

Be adventurous! Be brave! Be daring! Be fearless!

But don’t be a fool.

Stay out of the ocean.

I love you, my little darlings.

Mother