There Are Those Days

IMG_0921There are days that I cringe when I hear you running toward my room.  I curl up under the covers, pretend to be sleeping and pray that you decide to make TODAY the day that you learn to play by yourself.

On these days I am sulky and mean.  I yell at you for not moving your little legs to the table fast enough. I yell at you: Eat your waffles, I’m not a maid, you must drink milk/water/juice, stop asking so many questions, I can’t stand the dog, you’ll wake your sister, you can’t watch the iPad, you have to wear pants, you peed on the toilet, stop asking so many questions, I told you the answer already, we’re going to be late, I just need coffee, I don’t have chocolate, you can’t have chocolate for breakfast anyway, stop asking so many questions, don’t ask why…

I yell and yell and yell and yell because…

Because sometimes, my darling little child, sometimes when you’re a stay at home parent you feel like nobody ever hears you.  Nobody is listening or understanding. You can manage this feeling for a bit, for days or for weeks but then one day…one dark day when the child who you love more than life itself asks you for the 1000th time if he has to brush his teeth…

…on that day you’ll completely lose your mind.  You’ll wonder if you’ve gone insane, if anyone can actually hear you.  DOES your voice work? You’ll feel useless because if you can’t even teach your child that he has to brush his teeth every morning you MUST BE FAILING and soon his teeth will fall out and the dentist will judge you.  You’ll start looking for a desk job because at least at a desk job you’ll have more control over the results.

You’ll cry.

I cry.

Because parenting is the most rewarding but stressful thing I have ever done in my entire life and the guilt at not being constantly & overwhelmingly grateful is crushing.

Then you, my slow walking, darling little child…you slowly walk up and sit next to me, knowing that I’m overwhelmed.  I feel guilt that my almost 5 year old knows what the word overwhelmed means.  You hold my hand.

You tell me you’re sorry for asking about brushing your teeth again.

I tell you I’m sorry for yelling.

The clock tells us both it has been 10 minutes since all of this began and now it has already ended.

We acknowledge that it was a rough start to the day and vow to get McDonald’s for lunch.

High five.

…and I vow to be a better, kinder, more patient mother tomorrow…

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “There Are Those Days

  1. I’m a professional childcare specialist, and I can attest that we have these days too. I am thinking of yesterday, when we got in the car and the 3yr old asked me again, like he does every single time we get in the car, what the bell sound means when I put the car in gear. “I told you already little dude.. Can you not remember?” And then I wonder if I actually said it at all, maybe it was an alternate universe, or I dreamed it.

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  2. I know that feeling well. I once put myself on a time-out; partly to get away from my daughter’s endless questions but partly to stop myself from yelling. It didn’t work. She followed me. We ended up in McDonald’s later!

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  3. imsonot says:

    Exactly this. My wife has asked me time and again, “why do I yell so much at the kids? I should be a better mom.” And then she cries. And the next morning our own little darlings don’t want to get out of bed, want to drag their blankets across the house, don’t like their pants, want their sister’s shirt, don’t want breakfast, don’t want to leave because they’re hungry, don’t want shoes, want to hug the dog, want to hug the cat, want to hug the rat, don’t want their hair brushed, don’t want to go to school… And we have to unleash the verbal ICBM’s to get them to move, dress, eat, brush, and go so that nobody is late.

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  4. Oh I’ve had days like these. Feel like I’m talking to a brick wall…or maybe like I should record everything I say and then I can just play it back to them, on repeat if necessary. Now there’s an idea 😀
    #Coolmumclub

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  5. Ah, this felt so familiar! How can such small people sense our mood so perfectly? It’s a pretty crushing blow when my three year old intervenes me telling off the 16 month old, reminding me she’s only little and makes her smile immediately by distracting her with a toy!
    Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub x

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